New Funny Quotes

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I love my job only when I’m on vacation.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn’t seen my big screen TV.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

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May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.

Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just kidding!” is my favorite.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

It’s all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game hide and seek.

If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

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I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it.

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

I’m great in bed, I can sleep for days.

Of course I’m not perfect, there’s a crack in my ass!

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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Tuesday.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap, she’s up.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.

A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.

Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.

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“During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.”

“Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.”

“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

If you watch Home Alone backwards, it’s a story about two men who are helped out of traps by a young child, who then cleans them up. Then, the child’s family comes home and yells at him.

I hate when I go to bed and I forget to turn my swag off.

“If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?”

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New Funny Quotes 

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