Funny Quotes For whatsapp

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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Funny Quotes For whatsapp

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

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Funny Quotes For whatsapp

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 

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Funny Quotes For whatsapp

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

 If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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